I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
You stood up and started yelling"Free blow jobs!" because you thought people would like you more.
We're so high we're finding things in the room to build a submarine with. So far we have two cardboard boxes, a piece of wood, puffy paint, and an empty bottle to use as a periscope.
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
I don't know what happen last night but the fact that it's 9 am and I need to put my dick in something means it didn't go as planned.
The last thing I remember is trying to split my bridesmaid dress down the back like the incredible hulk.
and you succeeded.
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
i'm scootering my little heart out so i'm not late for a weed pickup. this is the meaning of adolescence
I just want school to he over so we can build a big tent, do drugs inside it, and watch cartoons until the sun comes up.
That's all I've ever wanted.
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
I'm going to miss recovering from hangovers on the beach. Rolling around in my dorm bed and watching Friends reruns is just gonna feel like slumming it.
Well I can't be held accountable to know every which time you slid a finger here or slid a finger there. I'm way too busy getting close to climaxing to document these things.
When the sex is so good, you need three fans and have to chug a gallon of water after
I really just gave up on masterbating because I'm too tired. I really am getting old.
Randomize
