I thought smoking would make her look better, but all it did was enlighten me to her snaggletooth
Sounds like a blessing in disguise
Did you draw a mustache on my drivers license picture??
At least he could have found a MILF, she's a dbl bagger. No wonder he goes to counseling.
Yeah..you can't spell Prozac without Zac(h).
Were playing beruit winners pelt losers with eggs
Hey if there is a better reason to go drink then "I've been fucking robbed!" I have yet to hear one. Also, I've been fucking robbed.
being pregnant is like rehab
Thank you for calling me on to a higher level of debauchery. fuck anyone who says we aren't good for each other
She's opening her family birthday cards at the bar. So we can pay our tab. Bitches wrote checks :(
If there was a build-a-penis, I would build that penis.
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
So why are your hands bright blue and have you seen my roommate.
Both questions will answer each other.
My roommate just threatened to kill me with my own pan. Can I ever get away from the crazies?!
Do you ever have one of those days when your breasts are just fucking awesome?
Drunk text the hot guy two doors down confessing my love for him.... He gave me a thank you card today.
it was all good until mid make out when he announced 'i just came'. ...he wasn't joking.
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