Im interpreting your silence as a silent plea for me to come wake you up. See you soon.
This is the last pregnancy scare i've had since i was 12 and i thought you could get pregnant from masturbating.
Synchronized big wheels back flips off the second floor roof. Good idea or great idea?
I just burped jalapeños and cum. That was the most disgusting thing ever.
i was drunk enough to give the cab driver my number when he said "you talk like you like guys"
The plan was to get laid... Now the plan is to survive.
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
Mike showed up naked and in handcuffs. Again. Feel free to come over and laugh because I'm not helping this time.
I pulled a muscle last night drunk dirty snapchatting him
Its perfect, I supply the pot she makes the brownies. I love the culinary dept.
Let's play "Guess What I Just Found In My Vagina?"
I just sent my ex off to a party, threw a condom at him, and told him to make good choices.
We were sad, then we got horny, and then we needed some ranch
Like I don't care that he's a drug dealer, but I have a problem with his inefficient and ineffective business model.
I got poked in the eye with a penis last night. How's your day?
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