in jail i did the beyonce ass shake for the police officers & called Sally from my collect phone in my cell & started singing "im in JAAAIL IM IN JAAAIL",
I don't think cute and don't forget to get tested belong in the same text
I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
What's the point in getting all dressed up and going when i'm just gonna throw up on myself by midnight?
my drunk uncle just explained that turkeys are not gentle lovers... and no context doesn't make it better.
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
... there are chew marks on my license. I have no idea.
No kidding. I just keep looking at that 'under 21 until 11/21/2011' on my id and whispering "soon enough"
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
He just grabbed my boob and justified it by saying "I just wanna feel your heart beat"
She insisted on cleaning her room in the dark. 5 minutes in, she forgot what she was doing and started putting shirts on instead of hanging them up.
Besides. I don't even really like sex because it feels great. I like it because for thirty minutes I own that guys ass.
If I send Ben a tit pic but I do it while wearing a Tom Brady mask is that funny or creepy
Sitting on the toilet ... Eatin pizza with one hand, petting my cat with the other. I love a sad drunken life
Im sorry you'll never get the feeling of closeness when you go to pee outside and you realize you're peeing right where someone else just peed
Randomize
