my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
Omg. Never. Take a laxative the day you are going on. A date.
Her cooch smelled like a combination of bacon and sweat.
I don't think cute and don't forget to get tested belong in the same text
there was a guy here who managed to get his head stuck in a fishbowl. no, I don't fuckin know how
I woke up to his little sister feeling me up. I guess it's time to meet the family.
There is so much to learn about oneself from autofill.
Woke up at 4:30am to my little brother shaking me. Apparently I fell asleep naked on my kitchen table waiting for the toaster to pop. 2 years of college completed and i still havent learned my drinking limit...
we're tailgating intramural basketball with hard drugs and tequila...and i think the players are taking shrooms
Going out so taking the 2nd 1/2 of beer w/ me ont'tube in a Pringles tube. I give money to people on the street that have more self respect.
I'm not really into her personality. Not that we've ever looked for personality in women.
That's only a quality to look for in a second marriage.
don't pay it forward
I eont pay shit forward. told a stranger to call an abulance and peaced
What's great about college is that i can eat chocolate cereal for every meal and call it a money saving technique.
They put me in room 420 every time and I take bubble baths and smoke in the room and they bring food TO MY BED
I expected my Sunday morning walk of shame dressed as a sexy Dorothy would get some scorn, but nobody seems to even care
That’s because it’s 2020. The slutty costume walk of shame is a refreshing reminder of a time when wearing masks and catching communicable diseases was a right of passage, not everyday for the foreseeable future.
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