he refused to get me toilet paper before we started drinking so I keep wiping with his towel.
Could you explain why there is an Australian passport in your toilet?
forced to watch US open for father's day. only perk is discovering dustin johnson...reeeeally hoping that this golf sex addiction thing is contagious
Just think, if your stepsister would've gotten knocked up 2 years earlier, she could've had a TV show. What a bitch.
He was in a gay KY jelly commercial. Jew male model. Reasons not to sleep with him. Go.
when I sang my humps to you I meant it.
You disappeared for 10 minutes. Then came back with nothing but your boxers and a life jacket on to tell us we were all screwed when the flood came and you would be the only survivor.
I'm naked, I'm drunk, and I'm all up on social media right now
I think my body is a cloud. This mixture of things is heavenly. Dare was wrong, drugs are awesome.
She dressed up in a sexy maid outfit for me, but she got mad when I asked her to actually do some cleaning.
Just keep in mind that she didn't start telling you you had the largest penis she had ever seen until AFTER she found out about your multi-million-dollar trust fund.
I know I've never told you this before.. but Gyro sauce makes everything okay.
I was looking at the storm clouds during my run and one oddly resembled ur penis
Masterbating to Tolstoy. You?
i cant go to his party cause last time i pressed the red buttons on the wall and the fire alarm went off for 40 minutes, i'm not allowed back there
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