By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
okay, this is the fifth time he asked if it was in yet. maybe i shouldn't have dated a blind guy.
We were hooking up and you crawled into bed with us, because you had lost your phone and didn't "want to be alone at a time like this."
Woke up on the floor holding a sandwich. Shots. Never again.
i just found this napkin with your number on it in my jacket pocket. it reads amy, drawing of a wine bottle and a house
My liver hurts and I just woke up from my first sleep in two days
Sounds like the perfect vacation
I puked so hard this morning that I peed my pants. I'm a gem.
I can already feel the hangover I'll be having on New Year's Day. I don't know if I'm prepared for this.
where did we go last night? there's dollar bills all over my room & they're all wet.
He couldn't give me an orgasm, but he did give me a UTI.
I'm not sure. I have to find the Greeks I was with last night and see if they can explain to me why I can't hear out of my right ear and why I look like I got the shit kicked out of me
nothing like a long car ride to make you think of all the bad things you've done
Ever find a porn video so groundbreaking you mentally cancel all your Dick Appointments for the week?
Randomize
