Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
Some dude just bet me $8 I couldn't smoke a pack of cigarettes in an hour...It sounds stupid, but I really wanna do it. If I survive, I'll have $8 and it'll look good on my resume.
Yeah I said my new jacket was waterproof, not puke through your nose proof.
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?
I just want to let you know how hung over I am today and I fucked a girl in a kangaroo costume last night.
How dare you question the sanctity of Chocolate-and-Porn day
I almost put an adult beverage in my sippy cup for the beach but realized the next step would be rehab.
No the next step is being buzzed at the beach. I would've.
Apparently when the cops arrived I was standing over him in the bathroom yelling, get the fuck up you piece of shit. Beer still in hand.
I sent a picture of my balls to one of my best friends, so basically it was an average night.
We're at the liquor store. Then going to the hospital
There is a special place in hell for people who only eat the center of the pot brownies.
She was talking about how a garden gnome was hitting on her the whole night. We thought she was just that high, but turned out the gnome was that guy in the weird hat.
Can you explain to me why I showed my boobs to the firemen to get free beer?
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
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