i mean really, i cant compete with a cucumber
don't look now, but that cross eyed girl is staring at you... and me.
I just got wrote up for "repeatedly smelling like alcohol"
That was long passed due.
It's like eating cereal and milk but instead of cereal it's gummy bears and instead of milk it's vodka.
Fake an illness. Her and her friends are like the female version of guys who wear tapout shirts
thats because you have standards... and i have a thing for guys that give me free drugs.
I want "hickeys on my ass" sex
There is a dude in a thong with a Nerf axe having battles in the street. Welcome to Portland
I have seriously seen way too may DIY cut off jean booty shorts and half shirts on fat girls this summer. Fuck you Pinterest.
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
He told me I was a good dog mom. I've never been so turned on in my life
The more time I spend surrounded by Mormons, the more I miss alcohol.
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
I don't remember that much at all. But I guess I met this guy from New Zealand and his dog, and then I punched someone in the face.
I just watched your fat stupid son get hit by a Prius. Ran right in front of it. He's all right . But... Maybe you should have taught him to look both ways like a responsible parent does.
Randomize
