non applicator tampons are so hard to put in when your drunk. i fingered myself for 10 minutes and forgot what i was trying to do.
we made margaritas with slurpies from 7-11 and beer.
Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.
I found the other part of your tooth if you want to put it under your pillow
just so you're aware of it in the morning: you tried to slide down the railing on a snuggie. twice.
Were playing bathroom attendees at the party and making people wash their hands
i made a dollar
He said he wanted to go to France " just to piss in the nice areas". I want to fuck him.
Just stuck all that extra cocaine money we made in a savings account...like a responsible adult..
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
Best part of leaving the university? Interns are as hot as my former students, not legally off limits, and they will do anything for a full time job.
...and if you can get the necessary ingredients to make the Buffalo Chicken Melt, I will latch forever at your Teat of Justice.
I never want to even look at fireball again because it reminds me of the night I died and then lived to tell the tale of how I died.
I'm that daughter that had to send her mother "DON'T GET SHITFACED" & yes, in ALL CAPS.
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
You know it's a good May 2-4 when it involves 14 straight hours of vodka slush and garlic bread
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