so it turns out, not only do the doormen judge the girls I bring home, but they rate them.
Guys, I'm sleeping in the BOYNTON LAUNDRY ROOM. if you can, come let me out in the morning as I have no keys. I might be in the study room possibly. DON'T FORGET. I will be trapped
Oh trust me, i am. It's like magic, but instead of rabbits and doves its orgasms- He just keeps pulling them out of nowhere.
Scratch one off the douchebag bucket list. Just saw a guy in a sesame street tshirt and a tap out hat. Didn't get the memo that big bird's trying to get into mma.
I drank half a bottle of wine while watching the Olympics opening ceremonies. I catcalled at handsome athletes. Stop me.
I'm actually not sure I need to run today, between the crazy monkey sex and breaking into my own house.
gorilla chasing a banana on crotch rockets. Halloween is getting way too real
My bathing suit kept falling whenever I went under a wave and this kid caught on and kept checking them out so I told him nothing comes free $5 a boob
i think god would be more upset with me for turning down such a beautifully crafted cock than he would for me liking girls
Her text was so long it had an arrow to expand it. You know it's bad when even your iPhone can't handle her
I was so drunk last night I asked a rando at the bar to take a picture with me cause I thought he was in the band
Well you fished my watch out of a possibly vomit filled toilet so I think we're bros now.
You know getting black out drunk at a cats birthday party should have been my lowest point drinking wise but some how I feel like last night was some how worse
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
If you need me I'll be in the hospital involving super glue and fake eyelashes.
Randomize
