Dude, I would hit that so hard that whoever could pull me out would become the king of England
do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
I'm sad your dog died... Her name is my stripper name.
My mom now keeps ice cubes on hand for my bong water. We may be able to work this relationship out.
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
I definitely think in addition to buying paint ball guns this summer we should invest in a breathalyzer. That way every drunk night turns into a competition, who can blow over the legal limit more. The loser gets shot while hungover. Shit goes hand in hand if you ask me.
i just honestly didn't believe you when you said your brother was a fucking clown. ho shit you weren't kidding.
Wore a burger king crown while giving head still drunk this morning #blessed
also, sleeping with your chipotle guy sounds like a good idea until you want chipotle on your day off and have to look somewhat presentable to acquire said chipotle.
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
No fair. I need a fuck buddy to entertain me till the power comes back on
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
Walking into my bedroom & smelling stale sex & disappointment isn't how I envisioned being 39, in case you were wondering.
One lesson I've learned so far from college: You've always got time for one more shot. Always
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
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