Odds of those being real?
One in who gives a fuck
When are you freeeeeeeeee?
My phone auto corrected that to freeeeeeeeeedoooooooooom. That's kinda awesome.
I don't make the first move. Ever. Unless were playing monopoly cause that's my shit
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
we're spending all day in bed drinking spiked eggnog and fucking
driving home hungover today was like a life test..it was like the goblet of fire
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
After he finished he laid there and told me how much work that just was. I looked at him and told him not to ruin a good thing by opening his mouth.
My manager gave me an envelope with money in it before he had vacation, and when I asked what it was for, he said it will be his bail money.
never let me tell the bartender to cut me off, i basically told on myself
Turns out my GF and my FWB have a mutual friend. Yada yada yada, I need to crash on your couch
There’s a stripper dressed like a slutty pilgrim. Is that a thing?
Never going back to jail again. Only time in my life I've ever had a wet dream about jerking it...
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