i've got a dick and you've got a pussy....what is the problem??
I wanna do crazy things to you in a tent
fuckk wrong person
.. who was that for? a girlscout?
wanna hang out tonight and remember it?
Remember when I was so high that I thought my appendix burst? All I had to do was fart man, just fart.
pretty sure I offered to blow her dad. she's not speaking to me & he won't stop winking at me.
Spotted: woman loading franzia into a toddler-sized shopping cart for her child to push. Beautiful.
Yep I can make a seagull sound. It's identical. I tried it. They thought I was talking to them. It's pretty cool.
So I was thinking for Halloween I'd do Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde....for my vagina.
You've fucked so many I should get a word bank when you make me guess these things.
woke up in your bed at 6 AM. on my way home I passed Nathan, bloody, barefoot, and still in a toga. He told me he woke up in a ditch then kept repeating "I'm totally bringing this up at meeting tomorrow". I'm proud of your frat today
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
Dinner was cheetos vodka and whiskey. This is what happens when even your booty call breaks up with you.
you kept saying how you wanted to mainline bacardi right into your bloodstream. medical school is doing wonderful things to your brain
Can we go to the gas station to get cigarettes before we get drunk. It's hard enough to say Marlboro sober.
I didn't wake up drunk this year...I must be getting soft
Yeah I guess quad-fisting Miller Lites just isn't as effective as it used to be
Randomize
