he got his own cum in his own eye. TWICE. how do you make that mistake again?
He promised he'd be the first bidder on my ebay item if i went home with him. Worth it.
you'll never guess what i found when i got home...
a cake, in the toilet
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
youre not allowed to be friends with girls ive double teamed. period.
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
Only I could run tino my father in law while looking at condoms at Rite Aid. At 730 on a Thursday morning. I'm in trouble.
I don't hate him I just hate being present to see him consume 80 dollars worth of alcohol and then try to tip people with left over money on a Walmart gift card
I'm the only one who goes to a bar and leaves with an extra twenty bucks and a pumpkin.
Well anyways I still cant believe I don't remember such a monumental day in history as you showing me your boobs... Jesus
Oh? And how would you explain this to your kids?
"Well pumpkin, when mommies and daddies have loved each other so much for a really long time, sometimes they trade off with other mommies and daddies"
tell me about the eggs
Heard about your divorce. Let me know if I can do anything for you or your penis ;-)
I just folded my laundry and I washed 3 pairs of underwear and 6 jizz towels. Clearly I'm quarantining right.
Randomize
