I would kick you in the vagina but I'm afraid I would lose my shoe.
This row in front of you is like duck, duck, goose - but eating disorder, eating disorder, failed eating disorder
She came to work with 6 additional layers of make-up, playing every Nickelback song about explicit teen sex, and with a dozen twinkies she bet she could finish without chewing any. I'm investing in a rape whistle.
worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
Give me the approximate price and I'll give you the equivalence in blowjobs.
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
Ice skating? Did you see me last night? I don't even know where my socks are
No you usually just ranted about the voicemail bitch until she cut you off again
you were stumbling down richmond carrying a girl in a nurse costume. its not even halloween dude
I'd apply for another job, but "staring out windows crying" is not a hot qualification right now.
Bar selfie Saturday turned into bar nudie Saturday in a hurry. I need to delete my snapchat...
Also, fucking on half deflated air mattresses is a great full body work out.
If you could come do me into like a 12 hour coma that'd be great
I walked in on a circlejerk after punching that guy out. Instant karma.
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
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