Rocking a Headband at the strip club, because of Rock of Love this shit is like their kryptonite, I smell like stripper butter and back child support.
I just puked in my fish tank. Helloooooo summer.
working out is totally making me break out.. i'm doomed to forever be either a butterface or a butterbod. there is no way out.
She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
i am too hungover to go to class can you just call me and put it on speaker phone
Someone want to explain the bottle of ranch I found in my pants
I miss you too. And it was nice meeting your brother while I was mounting you
The last thing I remember about last night was guzzling white zinfandel out of the box and eating cheese. And I was thinking OH YOU FANCY HUHHH
He plays D&D and his dick should be carved out of marble. I think I'm in love.
all of these bad things happened because I didn't bring a shower beer.
Like I'm not tryna become president or marry a doctor or some shit here, like one level above garbage is all I'm asking for
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
Emily saved me from being trapped on my roof and then I beat her in a race at 5am it was a low key night
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
he came with me to get plan b but they didn't have any. when I started crying he said "come on it's not that bad.. ill go get sandwiches from the vending machine and we'll have our first meal together as a family"
Randomize
