I think he just gave me the 'I used to fuck your sister' discount
Not exactly sure why you felt the need to get the halloween decorations out. But waking up to 7 carved pumpkins really scares the shit out of you.
I usually just read books and meditate to an aquatic soundtrack of sea walrus's mating. But ill choose coors light instead
You would be so proud at how green we're being. Re-using last night's jello shot containers.. saving the world one step at a time
You just kept screaming "PLEASE YELL CORNDOG AT HIM. PLEASE. CORNDOG."
I'm eating cake, naked, in bed. I am GREAT at being single.
Whats proper etiquette for apologizing to your wife for being so drunk you stood up and pissed on the bedroom floor next to the bed?
My gynaecologist hit my g-spot today by accident and for some reason I went "at least someone found it" VERY AWKWARD
I'm wearing the monkey suit out tonight. I hope you're ok with it leaving the bedroom
While we were having sex he asked me if I wanted to get wingstop after. I think I found my future husband.
he fell asleep naked and all I'm doing is staring at his weird balls
It's not stalking if you do it on LinkedIn...
Ps he swallowed my earring last night so yeah
I swear, the guy behind me wasn't paying attention until the words "middle aged fuckboy" came out of my mouth.
he had DANDRUFF in his PUBES. 0/10 would not blow again.
Randomize
