Fuck Jersey, the house im in is so baller but this state just cannot win.
hah yeah. there was a kid puking in the bathroom and this idiot brings in a potted plant and was like "yeah he's like, not getting enough oxygen"
You did not just play the dead husband card again.
He doesn't like you, he likes u not having a gag relfex
There are a bunch of guys at the door looking for the guy you brought back to the condo...pretended not to speak English. You're welcome.
Its okay, i dont mind you drinking, im just surrounded by it, there is some random dude laying on your couch with a bucket that ive never seen before
That's the first time I've ever heard something that tickled both my gag reflex and my penis simultaneously.
Pizza rolls are incredible. They are like sex, except I have them sometimes
he had a beard, sexy nerd glasses and kept referring to his penis as 'this dick' its like jesus was saving my perfect match for my prime
Is it tacky to frame a negative pregnancy test?
I HAD TO TAKE A SHOT OF JAGER AND SOME REDBULL JUST TO SEE IF IT’LL MAKE MY MOUTH FEEL BETTER
Do you know how awkward it is to get a dick pic while working at babies r us?
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
Babe if there was a way to give a back rub and head at the same time that's what I would ask for my birthday, Christmas and of course right now. Please think about how and get back to me.
I'd rather plunge my eyes out than acknowledge being related to either of my brothers
Randomize
