god is playing jersey shore on new years on purpose. he wants me to play drinking games and die. i wish he knew how serious this is.
He was in a gay KY jelly commercial. Jew male model. Reasons not to sleep with him. Go.
He was in Alberta for less than a week and is already banned from 6 bars. I fear for his general well-being over there.
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
Now that I'm born again, I'm preserving my gift.
Your vagina isn't a White Elephant gift. You can't re-wrap it after it's already been given several times. That's white trash thinking.
Only sluts go out in this weather carpe diem boys
I wish buying curtains was as easy as buying drugs. I already KNOW what I want and what the outcome will be: awesome.
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
Her rack rivals that of the deer I shot last season. You need to get after that.
Showed up to family party blacked out and in a turkey costume. I'd say thanksgiving was a success.
Just walked by the barren window naked in a family neighborhood. Who needs dignity.
I think I've been there, but who knows? I drink a lot
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
I've faked every orgasm I've ever had, I think I can fake being sick for 8 hours.
you were walking down the sidewalk and just puked. didnt even stop or slow down and just kept going. i was so impressed i didnt even tell anyone you threw up on passing peoples shoes.
Randomize
