Just got yelled at by a priest...again.
I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
Sex on a trampoline was so worth getting a mosquito bite on my penis
In case you were wondering, you weren't dreaming. I really did get stuck between my bed and the wall last night.
He told me to fart on his lap because the vibrations turned him on
his penis was like watching paranormal activity your very hyped up to see it but you think it might be very scary and in the end you didnt really see anything at all
after the first blizzard, i went out and bought a thirty and put it in a cooler and hid it out in the backyard. now the second blizzard has deposited 2 feet of snow on top of said cooler. there is a shovel and treasure map over here waiting for you
The only piece of furniture in the apartment is a wine rack.
figured after she passed out and i threw up in her bed, morning sex would be pushing it.
I'm figuring, since someone shoved pizza crust in my ear last night, there might be some leftover pizza.
I have a calendar reminder for world domination today, you wouldn't happen to know anything about that would you?
I had a dream I got back with Amanda. And then cheated on her the same day. Even my conscious is a dick
I just found a baklava I forgot I got last night so we can call it a day
you tried to fight the cop who was busting the party, you said you had a constitutional right to do a keg stand...
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
Randomize
