Dude I just figured out the mystery flavor of airhead is vodka sprite, no way i'm wrong
every time i get drunk at her place i end up leaving with nothing but an empty box of toaster strudels..
Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
Literally just spent 45 minutes converting my paintball gun to shoot condoms....
Of course it was necessary for me to call the strip club and ask what their shower policy is. Smelled like she was wiping her ass with my eyebrows during that dollar dance.
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
Idk how much more i could have responded my dick was basically trying to unzip the zipper and hop out
My housemates are judging me because I'm high at 8am and making Spongebob shaped Mac and Cheese
They know nothing, John Stoned.
Went home with a male stripper who looked like Justin Timberlake.. I started singing cry me a river mid sex. When he sang along I fell in love
I told him I had an IUD and he asked me how was a bomb a form of birth control..
Whose panties are you wearing on your head and why are you sending me pics of it?
I think I was just motorboated by a 4-year old girl.
Omg I just looked in my purse from last night.. 10 bags of gummy bears.
when you come over can you bring tequila and my birth control? Thanks girl!
It's so obvious he's evil. I mean, would a non-evil person have facial hair like that?
Randomize
