if I'm ever single again, I swear to god I'm going to have 87 venerial diseases
Do you think when graham bell invented the phone he ever thought that people would be using them to facebook on the shitter?
I told her for every minute she spent down there, I would donate a dollar to the Haiti relief fund... totally worked
Definitely just saw a grown man at wal mart wearing high heels and carrying a baby
What the fuck were you doing at wal mart?
i have a "get your shit together" dinner with my parents tonight. After that ill be down to party
You got kicked out of the strip club for spilling a tall boy on the stage and when the bouncers came to take you out you told them that they should probably go clean up your pee in the back corner cause they didn't seem to notice that
Max was wondering if he could trade you sex for the use of your jumper cables
He booked us a hotel at a resort in cancun for sprng break... I just wanted to get laid this weekend when i was blackout i didnt know it was gonna spiral into a mess of events like a 5 month in advance commitment
Why have they been driving around the block for the past 30 min?
He told her it was international road head day.
She loves introducing her friends to my foreskin.
You're the second person to offer to fuck me in the bathroom at work. Idk whether I should feel honored, or if cvs is just a turn on.
I tried smoking while wearing a horse mask, it was the worst thing I've ever smelled
That's the 3rd guy I've made pass out from a bj. I may have super powers.
I think I hear the ice cream truck
I could be going crazy though
NO IT IS THE ICE CREAM TRUCK IT'S ALMOST AT YOUR STOP
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
Randomize
