He keeps saying he loves me and ruining perfectly good conversations.
I've eaten ice cream, mentos, an extreme gulp and swedish fish today. i feel like diabetes. the actual disease not a person with it.
i just got fired from my job because i was "too smart" and my immedate response was i am WAY too stoned to be considered smart, and theni walked out the door.
wow. i have no words.
So I'm driving and this guy next to me at the stop light is reving his engine and honking at me. Motherfucker thinks that's because I'm asian and drive a honda I'm automatically going to race him
we went through the mcdonalds drive through and you asked for a free sample of their fries to see how you liked them.
Ok...drunk girls at the bar are charging $1 for motorboating. It's fucking WEDNESDAY. I never want to leave.
Dont even bother asking why she was dancing with him on top of a door, let alone how the door ended up being used as a table.
He licked the chalk off his shirt, then spat the Mountain Dew from his mouth onto the shirt and sucked on it. And thats him sober.
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
It's been over a year since we've been get-so-drunk-you-throw-beer-cans-at-fat-girls-drunk together. That needs to change.
These girls just walked into this party as reverse cowgirls... Wearing cowboy clothes all backwards
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
Theres just something about today that says lets get drunk, dont you think?
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
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