Asian chick on skype stripping for me. Hold on give few min
She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
I bought beer tonight and got 3 coupons with my receipt. Paper towels, laundry detergent, and Advil. I wonder if Stop & Shop predicts the future or just does this with every beer purchase.
I'm skipping the 'hey, how are you, I have to pick up something pointless at your apartment' excuse and just telling you I'm coming over to fuck.
I plan on gettn treatment center drunk
before we even ate breakfast we'd found an eighth of weed in some old purse she never uses. it was gone by lunch
If you could smell my eyes you'd understand the whole story
YOU RECOMMENDED ME TO THIS GIRL BECAUSE SHES A STRIPPER AND YOU KNOW MY WEAKNESS FOR STRIPPERS WITH CHILDREN.
JOY: That feeling when you crack open a handle for the first time, and the flow limiter comes off with the cap.
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
I have no idea, but there's a bus parked in front of my house and like 6 texts saying im gonna prove my love. this is either really really awesome or really really bad.
She just pored wine down the turkeys hole and said that she christened it like the whore that it is...happy thanksgiving.
You understand the drunkenness of my drunkenness
I'll never get why we had to sing the entire full house theme to the cab driver.... never drinking rum again.
I fucking hate them. They came over and sat on me and made out. On top of me. Who the fuck does that?
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