We pay for beer, you give birth. It's how the world works.
I drank almost a whole fifth last night. Woke up with blood everywhere wearing a "stereotype this" tshirt. How fitting
He was having trouble staying hard then just stopped mid-sex and said "it's overheating" while pointing to his dick.
The staff doesn't like it when you try and take your wheelchair for a joy ride since I've been waiting for an hour and a half.
Watching frozen planet. There's a beach master sea lion with about 50 sea lion bitches fighting another sea lion for said bitches. It's a bloody battle. Dude. You have over 50. Share.
I DON'T WANT TO DEMONSTRATE MY DICK TAKING ABILITIES WITH MY MOM THERE.
Please. That's just a patriotism boner. I watched Michael phelps win another medal and had to change my underwear.
i want to pour hot gravy all over you in bed
Just saw you in traffic. You may have noticed me, I was the corpse driving the white car.
Text me back. Urgent. It is a porta Keep the portal alive.
Is this the acid talking?
Yep, that just happened. My mom just gave me a big bag of drugs for my birthday. She even put them in a fancy bag with tissue paper.
I mean in all honesty I would let James Franco shit on my chest. End of story
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
CALL ME OLD FASHIONED BUT PEE IS FOR TOILETS
Hey, what's the French word for when you meet your boyfriend's friend and you have that gut feeling that you smoked pot naked in a hot tub with him at a house party years ago?
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