I still havent given him the valentines day card i got him. I feel like just writting...."sorry for the horrible blow job i gave u last night." and just giving it to him.
you just used a box of cheese-its to get into the bar
When I stretch out her lips her vagina looks like a dolphin...this birthmark is awesome
my fraternity brothers just had an intervention for me. i either have a problem or am just on some next-level shit, im gonna go with door number 2
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
Im wearing all my glow sticks to bed so i know where my arms are at all times.
Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.
Yeah well tell that to drunk me. She seems to have no standards or gender preference.
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
Everyone was in jail by 10:30. I'd say it was a successful bachelor party.
I'll text you later. I think she thinks we're taking this whole "no sex" thing seriously.
You must be buzzed on Miller Lite.. Zen master advice is flowing
Ended up in his bed... He's passed out holding me and his bulldog is laying across my legs. Both snoring. HELP!! I wanna go home!
my favorite part of this morning was sitting at the gynecologist smelling like cigarettes and wearing yesterday's clothes.
I'm at her wedding and she managed to get every single one night stand I ever had in her wedding party. Why does she hate me?
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