Solid performance last night. Wanna be fuck buddies?
I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
Found out that no one else got Christmas bonuses...and you said nothing good could come from sleeping with my boss.
i need to find a notary that isn't going to turn me in for blatantly lying to the us and chilean governments
im drunk. people are steering their children away from me. whatever it is that you called for, I assure you that I don't care. have a good night
Its like the two hemispheres of my brain are in a death match but are two evenly matched for either side to win kinda drunk.
Sometimes you gotta say "hey, its been a long semester. Let's puke before 10"
By the time the opening band finished, she was already slurring, coming on to the gay couple next to us, and waving her panties in the air.
I re-seduced my fuck buddy...must be the luck of the Irish!
Its official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
Btw, apparently no one knows who ordered the pizzas for the after party, no one paid, and the delivery lady made a celeb shot, took a beer, then said she'd be back later to finish up the game...
they were drunk. and loud. and now they're drunk and quiet. or dead, you never know.
Keep your fingers crossed. If I get to go to a Stanley Cup game I'll give you the blowjob he deserves for taking me. Because hes definitely not gettin it.
Randomize
