I want an alcoholic time machine so we could skip to new years eve
it's 8 a.m. and there are people having sex at the foot of the strangers bed i'm in. the guy just asked the girl how she lost her baby weight so fast.
If people don't want my drunken phone call then TAKE YOUR FUCKING NUMER OFF OF FACEBOOK, like it's just that easy...
Dude just walked down the street literally wearing nothing but a small box around his waist carrying a case of beer. I want to live here for the rest of my life.
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
Dont make this weird.... I was wondering if I could paper mache a few of your dildos this weekend?
Eating nacho cheese off the carpet. How is your morning?
I'm drinking nothing but vodka and coffee for the next 48 hours. For science.
You kept saying you we're gonna puke and wanted to steal my pants
That does not explain the remnants of a small fire in my bathtub.
I would of joined had I not blacked out last night and ran around naked breaking things till 4 am
I was just hotboxing under my sheets and I got lost on the way out.
It was so scary.
Update: just imagined being dirty talked to in an Irish brogue and I think my vagina became a sentient being.
Made him watch 4 hours of HGTV then told him I was too tired for sex.
Savage
I haven't had sex since the Vanilla Ice concert
Please don't have sex ever again just so you can say that forever.
And then she grabbed my dick and started singing 'ring ring ring ring banana phone'
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