I just pynch a tree in the face
I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
you hid your keys in a box of lucky charms because drunk you was apparently going to eat them for breakfast...
You fell asleep leaning on my shoulder at the bar
Lets just not get arrested. That might put a damper on everything. I only say that cause i've almost been arrested.
yes i am an adult who snuck out of my parents house to cuddle with a guy and then came home and listened to taylor swift. judge me all you want.
I respect your roll as DD and there're am required to respect your vehicle
In related news... Actually, nope. I don't have any orgy-related news. You win.
She's like the King Midas of sexual confusion. Everything she touches turns to gay.
This is my last chance to be the first person to fall off this roof.
He started yelling terms of endearment at a cheese sandwich. Then he tried to hump it.
I think vodka/water/skittles totally beats your crystal light mimosas
Are you alone?
No, but I have to leave him in my bed while I go on this date.
I'm sitting here drinking whisky and listening to The Wiggles, I don't need a social life
i just realized i have only had sex on couches so far this year. i can't decide if that's impressive or trashy
Randomize
