im surrounded by empty glasses of chocolate milk WTF
You should come over. I am making a celebratory I got laid by a huge penis cake.
He literally sends me dick pictures, EVERY DAY. SEVERAL DIFFERENT ANGLES ..it's like I GET THE POINT.
I think we should have realized the night was going to be nuts when it started with a bum dying in front of my house.
if you had such a terrible roommate you would understand. jacking off in his conditioner is just the start.
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
I was afraid she wouldn't be able keep up but I woke up in a bathtub, she called me a pussy and made me pancakes.
Multi-day drunkenness is to binge drinking as black diamonds are to skiing. They're tough and confusing and you hurt afterwards, but you did it and you probably got an alright story along the way.
Here's to not getting arrested this year on thanksgiving again. Cheers bitches!
Just called the boss a "cunt baguette". To her face. This is why I can't drink with people from work. Know of anywhere that's hiring?
I plan to try out my new vibrator and watch Star Trek: The Next Generation. It's a busy night.
At least you didn't lose your virginity to chumbawumba
Russell is lonely. He needs a companion.
You're lucky you have a monster cock or most people may just laugh at your penis' nickname.
I woke up to pee last night, got out of bed and proceeded to stand there because I had no idea where I was. Then, I heard my sexy as fuck personal trainers voice. Well-played blacked out me.
Cops swarmed my car last night in the walmart parking lot cause of the paper plate
Randomize
