The maid of honor just puked.
everytime she opens her mouth i wish that i was deaf
Apparently blowing a .28 for a cop and then kissing her on the mouth is technically assaulting a police officer. Who knew.
This baby is an asshole
Dear future Eric, sorry about the Everclear. Sincerely, Eric +2 shots E.C.
the upside of dating someone over 21: he can buy me a pregnancy test AND a bottle of wine when he goes to cvs for me
Remember when we partied so hard that dude died and it cockblocked you hooking up with my sister?
I forgot that happened. That's the second dude that died on a vacation I've been on
my goal for the rest of college is to escape STD free. fuck getting a job. this is more important.
I was just thrown into the pool and now I'm surrounded by men... You would think this is the dream but I'm just confused
I hope a pyrotechnic goes off in your asshole and seals it shut for life.
Me too.
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
Man, I'm real high and googling what all my favorite figure skaters from childhood are doing now.
DO NOT FUCK YOUR ENGAGED GAY NEIGHBOR!
She was talking about how a garden gnome was hitting on her the whole night. We thought she was just that high, but turned out the gnome was that guy in the weird hat.
I apparently lifted the young child over my head yelling "Victory!" after that last game of pool, right before doing some Girls Just Wanna Have Fun karaoke.
Randomize
