Just set a new record on Need For Speed at the arcade. Had to enter Tiger Woods as the name.
just ran into a kid I used to hook up with while wearing his shirt. Only me. I tried to pretend like it wasn't his but it said his name on the back so I wasn't winning that.
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
i wish it would rain vodka just once. i have not puked yet bring it on
In case you were wondering, taking me to see beauty and the beast in theaters would totally get you an unsolicited sloppy beej in the parking lot afterwards.
You should probably take note of that and make it happen.
the cashier ate half of our fries before she gave them to us so i think it's safe to say they don't do drug testing there
I think it's safe to say I'm rolling my hypothetical balls off
I would just like to point out that someone I had sex with drove me so I could have sex with you. I deserve some type of "most loyal booty call ever" award.
He's passed out. He nodded his head when I asked if he's alive though...so there's that
You know, part of me wants to die and the other part of me doesn't want to live
What the hell man, you basically stole my girlfriend with a bucket of KFC.
i just added a shot of fireball to my iced coffee. goodbye sobriety.
I deserve this hangover.
Still can’t get over the fact that we ate beef jerky off a strip club floor
That married penis I’ve been riding offered to pay off my student loans. I was going to break it off because he has lousy stamina. Is being debt free worth putting up with mediocre sex?
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