I caved and texted him. But it's strictly drug dealing business so it doesn't count.
its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
It just gets louder and louder too...dear god. Her poor vagina.
I make your heart skip a beat like that pivotal moment when you open a public toilet lid
I'm gonna be a few minutes late, some asshole just fell off the ferry so we had to stop.
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
Sometimes crazy just comes naturally. I don't need booze to say that on occasion I feel the need to rip off my asshole and throw it against the fridge to see if it sticks.
I'm gonna get drunk in the shower and yell at my parents during dinner. Have fun in Texas.
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
Someone has big plans this weekend. Just went to throw away the trash and saw packaging for 3 different vibrators on the top of the stack
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
I couldn't even tell you how many times I've said "wrong hole" today
my nurturing instincts told me to take his clothes off
I told him I hooked up with his best friend. And then he ate me out. I'm just THAT GOOD.
I STUDIED GEOGRAPHY I KNOW THIS SHIT!! DON'T YOU DARE QUESTION MY AUTHORITY ON GLACIAL DEPOSITION AGAIN BITCH!!
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