at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
Every time you come over you bleed on everything. I'm not calling Verizon again asking if blood is considered water damage.
I HAVE A PIGEON IN MY JACKET.
Just saw a cougar do the walk of shame. She asked housekeeping where the fastest elevator was.
How did you get a free t-shirt at the strip club?
I was attacked by whores
You threw up on yourself again didn't you?
They were strong whores
I just watched our fat male neighbor dibble a soccer ball across the lawn. It looked like Baywatch with diabetes
I put on slutty clothes under my normal clothes, im like fucking super slutwoman
Best superhero ever to exist
I just had a spiritual connection with my sweater and did ballet in the hallway. Alone. I'd say we're gonna chalk that up as a win for marijuana and call it a night
Only you can make me eat tacos in your car, while naked, on a dead end road in a ditch on a Thursday night.
A penis isn't a time share. I want to own not rent.
Do you think the police would frown on me opening a psych drug pharmacy on the side? Just to dispose of my drugs without polluting the water supply! It is for the animals!
We just stood outside and debated the existence of mermaids for about 20 min. Is this what too drunk is?
I am praying to every god I can that he drank so much that he won't even remember me
Yeah, so, that moment when the repair guy comes in and you see your cock ring on the counter one second before he does.
Sorry I can't pick up... thought process is fine but too stoned to form words.
Randomize
