The funny thing is... I'm about to go to the store to buy WD-40 and condoms... That's it.
And before you ask they are unrelated purchases.
Family of uber douches all wearing ed hardy in a hummer taking up 2 parking spots at starbucks. Please be more cliche
Happy graduation...we are now officially unemployed alcoholics!
Would it help you get over me if I told you that I had unprotected sex last night?
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
He told me to put on my big boy pants, then take them off and fuck her before he smacks me with a chair. His pep talks suck.
Well im sitting on a futon on a porch at 1:30 in the afternoon drinking boxed wine out of a pint glass next to a chick with a homemade neckbrace. What do you think?
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
I was so drugged up it was amazing, I felt like a dinosaur "because I enjoyed spinach, and I got apple juice and only dinosaurs get apple juice" according to me the day of, and last night I felt like a rocket ship
And then after we fucked he wouldn't stop calling me "champ". It was like I had sex with an extremely attractive soccer coach
Honestly, if you can handle putting socks on you can handle a condom.
I knew I was in trouble when she kept referring to the next day as things we should do
So you brought her to my house and left her on my couch.
Just remembered I railed lines while holding a puppy
Started my day with puking in a trash can.... Its gonna be a beautiful day
You know it's a good May 2-4 when it involves 14 straight hours of vodka slush and garlic bread
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