So my shaver died while I was trimming...ya know. And now it is half way done. I don't think there's currently any aesthetic in keeping it this way...
It was like a secret agent hookup. No names, swift execution, get in- get out.
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
She's running around bumping into to people trying to keep a balloon she filled with vodka in the air. Please tell me she has a secret off switch you didn't tell me about.
I don't want to hear about you making out with a high schooler. I just had the best sex of my life. My face and arms went numb in the middle of it.
My nose hurts from that stripper beating me with her tits
I am convinced that after two dates and a few adult sleepovers that he still doesn't know my name.
I seriously just drove by a man walking down the street wearing hospital scrubs, an 80s track jacket, gold necklace and carrying a flute.
I woke up with his condom in my mouth. I actually use them now you should be proud of me.
Try eating a sub blackout with your uncle. It's not easy ok
So yeah, turns out I enjoy vaguely public group sex. Who knew?
I literally just woke up in a dog bed, in a bathtub in someone else's house...and I'm not wearing pants
How did I get up here...did jesus lift me up
oh.. my GOD my dad just text me... "i need a naked women" ........... help?
Any who, I expect to be showered with roses apon my arrival
How about beer and nachos?
A fine substitute!
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