I almost hooked up with this girl last night. she had a tattoo of a cardinal next to her cooter. said it reminded her of her grandpa
Just crossed the line with my beat friends girl twinsie. Didn't realize tillz afta how much the look alike and an thougholy creeped out. Thanks ciroc
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
I had to drink heavily last night because I needed to forget that you told me you want to blow my dad.
im so proud of her that she got shit faced finally. This must be what it feels like to see you kids get their diploma or some shit.
I will always make you feel special and slightly offended. That's my job.
He's getting me an energy drink and said good morning beautiful. He must sense i'm cutting him off from the sex.
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
just had sex in my dorm hall public bathroom while wearing my favorite cat sweater. tonight was a win
Yeah, I've hit on priests at bars, too. Such a shame, there are a lot of hot men out there who've devoted themselves and their glorious genitalia to the Lord -_-
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
I shall relish in being the most basic of bitches
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
Randomize
