Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
First guy to fuck a girl in the new tool shed. Her underwear is on the shovel hook.
I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
doing shots has become such a natural thing to me that i just instinctively swallowed listerine
"Not only do I bring a guy back to my hotel room....But I bring one back for my friend who's passed out drunk. Now that's what we call BESTfriends"
Come scavenge bits of tuna out of my chest hair
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.
I still can't get the taste of her nipples and the udon noodles out of my mouth
You had sex with him AND his man bun. Like not just him but also the bun.
Do u ever find yourself high af, watching American ninja warrior and crying at the athletes stories?
She's takin more dicks this month than I have in my life by the sounds of it
Shit is getting real. I just adjusted my search radius for my dating profile to ANY FUCKING WHERE
Turns out tits aren't quite as effective an enticement when they know for a fact that they can't touch.
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