I just saw the dad from "Little People Big World" at the airport. I chased him down and congratulated him for beating the DUI.
I have glitter on my penis. Do you know anything about this?
you ever fart during an orgasm? feels like u just lost 10 pounds
He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagina.
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
It's either jizz or frosting, and either way, someone's being held accountable.
Pre-crushing the pills for tomorrow morning. This way I can sleep in an extra 10 minutes.
My mom just admitted you were a good looking kid & if you weren't my friend & 30 years older she would do you. I'm going to commit suicide.
Whoever was the last to get in from the chinese firedrill had to pay the dealer.
you picked up the vacuum cleaner at one point and said you we gonna beat the shit out of me with it. that was kinda funny
Well just watched a guy puke in a trash can then proceed to pick pizza outta said trash can and eat it
Remember that time you puked in a beer pong cup while someone else was playing?
that happened
I just spilled a shot of Patron on your mom.. Body shots may be happening. You better get here quick.
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
I think the night went to shit after he started sweating and crying about a taco he dropped on the ground 3 years ago. No more blind dates
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