I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
I specifically asked you not to be slutty tonight.
I wanna do crazy things to you in a tent
fuckk wrong person
.. who was that for? a girlscout?
You tied the party balloons to your nipple ring so that everyone would know you partied.
We need to start having sex underwater more often.
We shared that special kind of eye contact that can only be experienced when you know one party is saying "Oh god, I fucked him in the back seat when you were in the front, didn't I."
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
There is a guy, stoned out of his mind, only wearing slippers and a bathrobe in the library.
Just beat off to internet porn while talking to my mom on the phone and eating a cinnamon roll. U have 5 minutes to get on my level
I think she's going to be dangerous to drink with, but I'm ready for the adventure.
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
There should be a rule.......that if you have a small penis you must wear a hat with propellers on it so you can fly the hell off the planet.
TGIFridays...stall number 1...drunk...send help
I just realized I had arrested my one night stand from last night...
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