whoa...plan B gets you drunker quicker.
there is this woman at the counter who looks identical to linda ellerbee. and she's grinning. COME. INSIDE. NOW.
she has no idea who harrison ford is.
see that's why i'd never date someone born in the 90s
doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.
Ok, so for future reference, in Rome, "piano bar" means "brothel".
I had to step in when you tried to make it rain baking powder on my sister
Cops on bikes. I think I can outrun them.
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
I was just hotboxing under my sheets and I got lost on the way out.
It was so scary.
The annual Father's Day Wake and Bake has been canceled due to lack of hustle.
Ok, in complete transparency, I am eating a cookie on my bed naked while reading a Halo novel.
HIS DICK IS SO AWESOME DUDE. 15/10 SURPRISE
You know I was thinking and I've never seen a penis in a whirlpool before
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
