Sorry, I have to go home and feed my nepotisms
Sorry, I can't talk, there's a herd of nepotisms headed my way
I booked us a cruise for November. Lose 20 pounds and don't cheat on me before then.
my roommate just showed up covered in dirt, drunk....with a whole ice cream cake that says "it's a girl".
he made me feel like a shish kabob. his dick was the skewer.
and you said he wasn't worth calling.
Well who could blame her. I would run away from me if I could.
I've been laying here all day wondering why my back hurt so bad and then I remembered last night.... When you pushed me through that glass table.
She tackled him mid-puke while the other two were cutting up a $60 dildo with a kitchen knife and putting the pieces in a Corona bottle.
I need an inhaler full of pot for all of this breathless rage.
Please tell me I was just dreaming when I asked if I could borrow your jesus dildo
Can't tell if waking up covered in easy mac is the sign of an amazing or terrible night
starting to feel like a fuck wizard with a magical sixth sense for people fucking.
.... I'm on a random couch somewhere in Newark wrapped in a Lightning McQueen blanket
We couldnt find you anywhere and when you finally answered your phone all you said was "im safe"
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
i am also 80% sure that my shirt glows in the dark.
Randomize
