I fucked **** last night, don't tell mike
this is mike. we're done.
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
We've been fucking since Friday.... This is the most committed non-committed relationship I've ever been in
I popped a zit on your vagina. Don't say I never loved you.
I wish that one Sunday morning I could wake up feeling like I have my life together.
i find it unbelievable that you didn't think it was necessary to intervene when i started letting people autograph my body with spray tan.
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
I'm about to sell my hamster for weed money I'll call you in a few
So I can officially say that someone has licked whipped cream off my nipples. Go senior year
Of all the things I've masturbated to while high, my favorites are ritz chips and trees
I made the last cup in beer pong off the dude's hat. I also faintly remember rapping Forever by Drake during said game.
I woke up in a bush somewhere in Tucson with a full suit on. Great way to end my birthday.
You know I was thinking and I've never seen a penis in a whirlpool before
At one point of the night i was standing at the bar and 3 of them had their hands down my pants, they were like thumb wrestling for it.
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