So she started giving everyone lap dances, and i was like "i think i like this chick"
Jeremys mom is here. I gave her mad jello shots and now were griding. ima give it to her: ultimate payback for him fucking my gf.
i decided to cut a 3rd hole in to my snuggie so i could masturbate all the time.. all time low? or genius?
It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
this mix will be the most desperate cry for affection in the history of itunes.
What's the politically correct way of saying you've made someone your bitch?
It was one of those "wake up holding a random metal flower" kind of nights.
He told me he wanted a penis beard so that he could look at girls faces when they gave him blowjobs. i have to say, i kind of admire his creativity
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
may or may not have figured out a way to make my mom a drug mule to bring me ecstasy...
WHO JUST REMOVED THAT SAME BOARD IN TWO MINUTES FLAT WITH NO INJURIES, SHOES, SOCKS, OR BRA?! THIS BITCH. CRACKIN A BEER FOR DA SHOWA. BITCHES AIN'T SHIT MOTHAFUCKA
I just connected with one of your drug dealers on LinkedIn.
I do feel like I owe you an apology for trying to fuck your dad last night but in my defense everyone knows I shouldn't drink tequila.
We knew it was an interesting night when we found my thong wrapped around a chocolate chip muffin in the fridge.
Had a girl with a moustache tattoo on her hand give me a handjob. That shit was classy as fuck. I felt like I should be wearing a monocle or something.
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