i saw the 3rd guy i ever had sex with last night and kept calling him #3
It was so delicious I was introducing it to people. Guy from my psych class was like "This is my girlfriend, Erica," and I was like, "This is my milkshake, Oreo."
for future reference: playing drunken strip-twister is a euphemism for a threesome. just thought you should know.
she didnt realize that i was putting on the same condom i used the night before with some other girl
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
Well I checked the bush outside his apartment building this morning, and he wasn't there... So I knew he was home.
So, seriously. How does it feel to know that you're riding a cock that was in kindergarten when you were going to prom?
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
I need a drink and a shade of lipstick that will put the fear of God in a man's heart.
Update: his apartment is apparently in the campus Christian community center. The fact that I fucked him on the couch in the lobby is officially my crowning life achievement.
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
Stumbled out of my bed this morning into the bathroom at 8 am still drunk, obviously. The Mormon on my floor was in the bathroom. I could practically hear her doing hail marys for me.
Our faces when the strip club was closed looked like the grinch just stole Christmas ☹️
This should be illegal
It is
I mean more illegal... I shouldn't have this
why did you kick open the doors at church screaming whos ready to party?
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