stranger just walked up to the fridge at the party, took the hawaiin punch out, drank it straight from the bottle, looked at everyone who stared in awe and said "im fucking thirsty" and put it back.
i just deleted quailman, hot hawaiian dude, appalachian swimmer, and connecticut from my phone
Fuck, now I'm not only the other woman, but the pregnant one
Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
They're doing a Bong-A-Thon for 4/20. I don't care if you quit. You are coming out of your weed retirement for this.
this is worse than the time i threw up a condom.
Can I get a "hallelujah" for railing my pastors daughter last night?
So some drunk guy just tried to convince me with all of his passion that bacon is a color
I think he's holding my wallet hostage because I puked in his car. It's not my fault he has child locks on his windows..
He told me to prepare for his "Jurassic cock" and I had to leave the room from laughing.
Sheila knows I only go down on her on Bastille Day. Valentine's Day we get high and watch The Neverending Story. THE SYSTEM WORKS.
So apparently Facebook just randomly finds the girl who gave me a hard handy despite having no mutual friends...
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
He ate me out while I stood on his bed drinking a Rainier.
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