I'll let you put expensive food in me, but really, not much else.
imagine if we didn have a dick. we would be so much more productive
And whoever invented the condom should be put to death.
Due to our sore throats we are now doing bong hits with cranberry juice to sooth it.
I'm sorry to inform you but your friends with benefits card has expired has the beginning of the year. If you wish to renew your card you must submit a picture of a fully erect penis. Please note that not all request for a FWB card is accepted.
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
Drinking vodka straight out of a beer bottle because I don't want to be judged. Not my best idea and not my worst.
I just power smoked 3 bongs, ate hot cocoa mix before making hot cocoa, and realized James Spader's character on The Office reminds me of your mom.
You know it's been a good thanksgiving when you pee all over your own hands.
Just so you know, classy bitches change the morning after in a CVS bathroom.
My heart is swelling with pride right now. I fucking love you.
woke up in a random sweater in a random bed in a random house on a street I don't recognize..
also, I vaguely remember swapping shirts with some random guy on the dance floor.
I just hooked up with the same bartender my dad cheated on my mom with in the 90s. Not sure how this makes me feel.
family traditions my good sir
One failed naked backward somersault off the bed and I realize - I either need to drink less or workout more. Perhaps both.
We started off talking about nice cuddling and you turned it into fucking with a Santa hat on...
Not sure who they are or where we're going but they just bought me 3 tacos so I'm staying.
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