Dude I can't believe you let me go home with the wildabeast lastnight.
You always hook up with hot girls we had to know you were mortal
Something in my vomit makes me think I shouldn't have had that slurpee
Lady with a stroller in a bar. Think she's out of my league?
She came to work with 6 additional layers of make-up, playing every Nickelback song about explicit teen sex, and with a dozen twinkies she bet she could finish without chewing any. I'm investing in a rape whistle.
fuck your aforementioned shoe
he passed out on the stove with a cup in his hand. yes the pictures are hilarious
She's the perfect storm when it comes to psycho stalkers
I'm drunk at McDonald's in a fairy costume at 10 am nearly two weeks after Halloween. I don't think the Ohio State fans get it.
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
Seriously, I am going to crawl in a hole, sew my vagina shut, and spit acid on any man that comes near me.
its not like i called off work either time for the purpose of tripping, it was more like well, i have nothing to do now today, there is acid and im only human.. but twice
After sex he brought chocolates and said he loves RuPaul's Drag Race. How many points does he score for that?
I gave him the white girl "you spilled my psl look" and walked away
I don't know if I'm more disturbed by the fact that you hooked up with a dude with one arm, or that "hook up with a dude with one arm" was on your bucket list.
I'm licking blood from my knuckles and I still haven't found my car keys..are you in town tonight?
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