real busy. everything is packed. thats why we ended up at the strip club
i want to be waterboarded, just to see what all the fuss is about
I believe that I finger-banged my way to the top of the corporate ladder.
There is a banner on a house by campus that says "welcome to college dads. Thanks for dropping off your daughters!"
She refused to give me a hand job while we were watching a war movie saying she didn't wanna disrespect the soldiers
there are chunks of pepperoni under the sheets. can you be here in 10? breakfast in bed?
I need to beat up a magician now. BRB.
So after he broke the crutches and got us kicked out of McDonalds, we stole a bike and when we got back to the hotel, he jumped out the window into the bushes.
Yeah when he is drunk, he seems to think he is Captain Americas Canadian counterpart, Captain Canuck
Dude, all I know is that I came out of this thing wearing a snorkel mask and completely covered in glitter and soap.
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
We exchanged spring break stories last night. Open relationships are the best.
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
The exact people you expect to find at a bar at 2pm are here. Come visit. We'd really like the company.
New low: uploading my contacts into Facebook in an attempt to get the name of the girl I brought home last night.
I sit across from him at graduation so I get to stare at him and think about how I fucked his step brother and laugh to myself
Randomize
