You only like me because I'm a challenge
You already blew me
I learned his name tonight. This now makes him a real person. Obviously, I no longer want to sleep with him.
There is no way I am paying you $5 apiece for pot brownies you found behind a dumpster. $2, maybe.
Whatever, consider condoms an eighteen year investment.
I could probably save all of the money I would have spent on condoms and put a kid through college.
Between my sister puke and rallying at the bar and my brother sending a drunk passed out naked pic in which his dick was exposed, I don't know which sibling to be more proud of this weekend.
First highlight of the semester: campus safety caught me peeing in the dirt parking lot by kappa. Then as they were about to write me up, they recognized me, laughed, and left.
On a scale of one to liver failure, how bad would it be if I played thunderstruck alone?
Peanut butter fills the cracks of my heart
Kinda awkward to hear your aunt complain about loose women when you're in town to be a stunt dick for a swingers convention. Just sayin.
Showed up 15 minutes late and curtsied when I entered the door if that puts perspective to how my first day is going
He seems like a lot more than a waste of tequila
So high, just applauded for a magic trick on Hulu.
We are literally scheduling phone sex... if that's not long distance af then i don't know what is
He just kept pissing on the couch as we were yelling at him while he repeatedly told us "its going to be okay".
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns
Randomize
