College reaches a new low. We just carved a shot glass out of a potatoe.
im dirt poor will suck dick for halloween costume
She liked every single Facebook status in her newsfeed and then made her status 'I LIKE U GUYS'
It's not like I'm never gonna put out again. I'm a sure thing. I promise.
Remember how I haven't seen my step sister in like 7 years? Pretty sure I just made out with her...
How do I tell my Dad that in the picture he has of me and my brother as the background of his phone we were both rolling face on ecstasy?
No it's okay, we're just driving to random places with the portable stripper pole and causing a ruckus.
Oh that's normal
Mike showed up naked and in handcuffs. Again. Feel free to come over and laugh because I'm not helping this time.
Bro, if we got a house, it'd basically be a revolving door for slightly overweight, but extra cute, sexually deviant girls with daddy issues.
probably because i sent a bunch of guys a snap saying happy one year to my nipple piercings
Yeah. I hurt his pride. But he's not over it. And by it I mean me.
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
Crazy homeless man drinking beer out of a vitamin water container on the bus just set me up on a date with the yuppie next to him
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
ugh my stomach is so upset-- didn't get a chance to take a violent enough hangover shit at work
Randomize
